I am Annoying

Elliott here this time for a long-overdue blog post.

Deb is off tonight. She's attending Rosh Hashanah services (L'shanah tovah, to all Members of the Tribe -- happy 5766!). She's performing the secondary function of assessing the goy-friendliness of her new temple, while I'm at home preparing the apples and honey, and making sure our irresponsible VCR records the Fox Monday night lineup. If all goes well, Deb will have a date for Yom Kippur, and we'll both get to enjoy Arrested Development.

Although I personally don't observe the Jewish new year, I'm always glad to celebrate it. But of course, any new year requires amends and resolutions. Before the celebration must come lamentation, so that there can be maturation before we get to the end of life's equation.

You dig?

Cool.

So here are my resolutions:

1. Be less annoying to Deb. This can be achieved in several ways, including the prohibition or curtailment of at least five of the following:
a) Tickling;
b) General harassment for my own amusement, though there shall be no curtailment of harassment when it is for the common good. For the purposes of this section, harassment shall be defined as the following:
i) To irritate or torment persistently;
ii) To wear out; exhaust;
iii) To impede and exhaust (an enemy) by repeated attacks or raids;
iv) To pronounce "harass" in the manner of the male name Harris;
c) Internet use, though exceptions shall be made for the following:
i) Moments of intense need;
ii) Fifteen minutes per day of wanton, discretionary wasted time;
iii) Other situations not constituting dire excess;
d) Fat assedness, or any other preventable condition approximating or approaching morbid obesity (per clinical definitions);
e) Gas, to the extent ameliorable;
f) The possible belittlement of Jewish holidays vis a vis mention in the same sentence as television "events;"
g) Referring to any television programming or internet content (barring the release of new Apple products) as an "event;"
h) To exhibit extreme care when leaping anywhere near the vicinity of the bed, particularly when Deb is present therein;
2. Despite the intrinsic difficulty, to be less lawyerly, and to the extent practicable, to be more writerly;
3. No more def jams;
4. To be a busier bee, to the extent being busier does not violate one of the aforementioned rules; and
5. To practice better oral hygiene (you didn't see that, Paul K);
6. Contribute to the blog more frequently.

These are my resolutions.

What are yours?